I had my up and down moments throughout this week. I didn't get much rest over Spring break. I only had the Easter weekend. One of my instructors emailed us an syllabus. I read it over the weekend and started to panic. I wasn't able to go onto my Moodle account since the IT team was upgrading. When I finally access it, I read the syllabus/plan for my Compassion in Action:Service Learning Seminar and I panicked. Both courses I will do a lot of work. I reminded myself to take a step at a time.
On Monday at 1:15 pm, I felt this calmness coming outside and inside myself. I knew it was the Holy Spirit who heard my cries and came to give me the calmness. He assisted me by focusing my attention to where I needed to be and what to do. He gave me words when I couldn't think of any on my own. When I arrived to work, I was calm and happy. I enjoyed a fun afternoon with my kids; amazingly they are pretty good even after being gone from school for Spring Break. God is good; he placed me where I needed to be to flourish in my professional life (and maybe a tad bit with my personal life). I have co-workers I trust and we work together well. We support each other emotionally and mentally. If one of us can't communicate with one of our charges, one of us would go over and assist with that child. I have an amazing boss who cares and I feel heard.
With this new found calmness, I was able to focus on my school work. With the Spirit's help, I was able to prioritize what to do each day without overwhelming myself. In grad school, I'm learning to respect my own process; sometimes I'm am impatient on how slow I process things when I feel a pressure to hurry up. It's okay to remind others that I need a little extra time to think and do.
Something happened Wednesday night when I received a feedback from someone. I thought we were kind of close friends. She sees us more like acquaintances. The problem maybe that when I see or hear someone feeling stressed, hurt, sad or whatever, I act like their best friends to comfort or encourage or support. I realized not everyone is comfortable with that. Normally I do better with face to face relationships. But since I think I forced some friendships over Facebook, hmm, it means I need to stop. It's not healthy. I knew better. I am realizing how lonely I am. For the last ten years I have been praying to find best Christian friends who are similar spiritual faith level as me and I do need human support to maintain my faith.
I do have one best friend but she doesn't share my faith. It's okay. I love her a lot; I won't trade her for the world. I think God has placed her in my life as I am in hers; I think this was my prayer request I had since I was 12. It took me thirteen long lonely years to find a good friend like her. She's wonderful since she understand I do need other close friends who share my faith. Not many people can really accept me with my oddities. She said that I kind of remind her of Sheldon, the odd-ball character (creator interview mentioned Sheldon has Asperger's Syndrome) from the Big Bang Theory show. I can be funny without realizing it. The difference from Sheldon is that I have feelings and I'm in touch with them. I do put my heart on my sleeve. I do care if I affect people the wrong way. God has given me a compassionate heart; I am learning to use it purposefully with his direction. Sometimes I do get emotional. What I need from people is to continue to be patient and kind; sometimes gently point me to the right direction or give me reassurance when I need it.
Wow, this blog entry is a bit more personal than I originally attended. I usually try to focus on what I'm learning and thinking, how I feel about certain concepts and other school-related topics on here. However I will leave what I am thinking about in my personal life. It's funny how a small part of my life can affect me in how I process information and feelings. I will get past this but it would take time. It's important to create a balance in one life to stay content. On the good points, I am solid with my relationship with God, good with school and professional life and pretty good with my other relationships. It's just a small part is finding best Christian friends to fill up my life.
I'm glad that last night I had a chance to see my best friend. Her advice to me is that,"Just let go. Surround yourself with people who care about you and truly accept you. You don't need negative people or people who don't truly understand you in your life. You are a good person with a kind heart. I'm your good friend." We ended up making each other laugh and I even brightened her day.
What I hope to accomplish with my personal story is the ability to assist others who are alone out there. My messages are: You aren't alone. You will find like-minded friends who care about you even with your quirks. Even with one best friend in your life, it does help make life tolerable and even enjoyable. No wonder I feel a deep connection with children who struggle with friendships; I ended up coaching and guiding them to make friends. These kids will come to me and open their heart out when they want to be heard. Not just them but also other young students may need to be heard; they also come to me. This is why my compassionate side is really awesome and we do need more compassion in this world.
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