I just saw my last post about my experiences in the MAT program and I sounded so hopeful. I also sounded that I was doing fine. I haven't been doing too fine lately. I got myself into a lesson planning crisis mode. I know how to write a lesson plan. Do I know how to write that anyone who reads it knows what my students learning, how they are to learn the objective and how I can assess how they are doing in their learning?
On Tuesday night, my Creative Arts instructor told me that I am failing the class. I haven't shown her enough of my work to meet her expectations. She gave me an opportunity to pull it together. She even stopped her projects to give me feedback to my first lesson plan that I turned in late. I know how to write lesson plans. Somehow I stressed myself out and it took me so long to process on how to proceed. I can't turn in an in-complete assignment when that is a no-no for graduate work. I think my full time status as a student this term was fraught with stress and fear of failure. Anyways, my instructor told me that I need to withdraw from the course. It's week 6 and I messed up big time. Now I'm not sure how I'm doing on my Monday night class. I emailed that instructor last night.
I met with my advisor yesterday morning. We talked about my progress. She mentioned two common areas that both of my instructors saw in me the last few weeks. First, I was so defensive. I know they want to help. How can they help if I don't turn in complete assignments on time? This defensive mechanism is a way for me to cope with stress and my fear. I thought I worked that out the last four years. I am quite successful at my current job working with students after school. Term 3 of the full time MAT program is the time to prepare for student teaching in the Fall. In the past, I fell apart in Term 3 out of 4 at the Western's undergrad ed program. The other notice is that I have verbal communication process issues. That same thing was shared with me in my undergrad ed program. The last four years I have been working on my verbal skills. At my current job, sometimes it can get very stressful. I learned to slow down and pause to think before I speak. When I am so stressed out and feeling defensive, my verbal communication skills will go awry.
My advisor asked me, "Why did I go into grad school for teaching?" We previously talked about it a little bit during my application interview. Yesterday I filled her in. I wanted to go into teaching because I'm passionate in educating young minds and I felt ready to do it at a graduate level. I didn't want to do it in the undergraduate level. I researched different teaching programs and I felt that Marylhurst is the right one for me. I like the scaffolding method and how supportive the advisors are. She gave me two choices. Stop what I'm doing and explore where I want to go next. Or continue with the program at a part-time basis.
Today I was having a conversation with my cooperating teacher. She told me that I have a lot of soul searching to better make my next step. I have been soul searching for the last 4 years. I didn't enter the MAT program as a full time student lightly. I thought I was ready. My CT kept repeating that teaching today is different when she first started. There is a lot of responsibilities. A good teacher needs to know how they learn reading, writing and math as well as know how to teach those subjects. A good teacher needs to understand how students' learn and assess them to be able to instruct them effectively. I know all this. I have a lot to think about. Anyways, my CT is letting me teach the art lesson I created next week and she will videotape me. This is one of the assessment tools I can use to help me decide my next step.
What is my next step? Stay tune...
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